Will It Ever End?

Well I tried to end it tonight. I don’t know what part of me thought I could do this easily or at least somewhat easily. I kind of thought I would have to claw myself out of this but God, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. My mind just gets so twisted up when I talk to him. I just feel this hopelessness that is so hard to put into words. It feels like he’ll never let me go no matter what I say.

I’ve already moved my bank account and everything, I had a plan to go get my dogs, I had completely made up my mind. Why is it so easy to sway my decisions? Why am I so easily convinced that I am wrong? What in the world is wrong with me? Never mind that though, backtracking a little bit- I was halfway there when he called me and asked if I had confirmed our therapy appointment. Nope I had totally forgotten and the therapist seemed a little frazzled so I told him that it was fine, I think we are done anyways. He said to call him if I needed anything or if we changed our minds. I then called my husband back and he was really frustrated that I had forgotten. I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I didn’t want to do this while driving but I said I think this is over anyways.

I haven’t really talked to him the past three days so I kind of hoped he had gotten the hint. I’m not sure why, I know that doesn’t work. Anyways, he acted devastated. What changed now? I had given him hope the other day when he tried to end it and now I’m tearing away that hope. I told him what I felt about Saturday and he said that was his way of showing me his emotions, that he didn’t want to feel that way but it’s what he felt. He knows that he’s failed this relationship and he will do anything to fix it, even personal therapy. I told him that’s good, that regardless of what happens, he should do therapy anyways.

We talked for a long time, too long, like almost two hours. I told him that I felt that he was controlling everything I do by getting so upset when I do anything other then sit with him. He told me that he was afraid, he’s always afraid that something will happen to me or that he’ll lose me. I told him that we haven’t done anything in 5 years. He said that he knows that was wrong. That the people at work who make half what he makes have more fun then us. He’s going to start acting like he should have, take me on dates, go on a vacation because we’ve never been on one, go fishing and hiking more. I said that I can’t trust him to not lose his temper even if we do this, he can’t even keep it with the dogs. He said the dogs aren’t that bad, just annoying. That he holds his temper all day long and I’m the one person that he can speak freely to about his emotions.

He sad that he’s massively depressed, that getting off the couch is incredibly hard, getting out of bed is worse. I know that he’s depressed, I’ve tried to help. When I learned that I couldn’t, I tried to get him to see a doctor, then I just realized that he had to figure it out on his own. He apparently thought that it was the circumstances in life that were making him depressed. Once we got this house it would be better but I haven’t given him the chance. He’ll go to therapy but he needs my help, needs me to support him, needs me to practice with. I just need to give him one more chance, we haven’t been going about this right and we can still fix this. I told him that he needs more than I therapist, he needs a psychiatrist, someone that can prescribe medication. He doesn’t agree though, he thinks that he can go to a regular doctor to help with his anger medically and the sleep and a therapist to help with his childhood issues.

He even asked me to make him weed brownies, I’m the only one that can do it. Side note, I don’t have terrible substance abuse issues, but you put that crap in front of me for an extended period of time and I might break down when I’m feeling worn out. I don’t put temptations in front of me because I know that I struggle with it. He know’s this too, I mean the first time we were in therapy he told him that I have addiction issues and he can’t even keep sleeping pills in the house. If he thinks I’m that bad then why ask me to prepare his drugs for him everyday? I’m not opposed to him using that particular drug to help sleep because I don’t think it’s bad if you can do it in moderation. I can’t do things like that in moderation and he’s well aware of that. I’m worried that he’s just trying to get me to do something stupid like that as a form of control because he and I both now that I’ll slip at some point.

He just wouldn’t stop promising the world to me. He admitted to everything and didn’t get mad when I brought up things like controlling behaviors and he even apologized for them. He apologized the entire time. I brought up the comment when he said I don’t know what a bad relationship is because I have never been in one. He explained that he had been in relationships multiple times with heroin and cocaine addicts and he was always worried that he would come home to them dead from an overdose or something terrible like that. He doesn’t have to worry about that sort of thing with me though that’s why he thinks this is salvageable. I finally just told him that he was very close to coming home to that, that I have had suicidal thoughts recently because of this. I don’t know about anyone else, but if someone told me that, at that point I would just exit from their life instead of trying to fix it if it got that bad. He oddly enough didn’t seem that surprised by what I said but did keep apologizing and saying that he would fix this and give me what I deserved.

This went on for so long and I kept telling him that I was tired and I would think about it. He wants us to start communicating through written words like email and text, then he could read my thoughts and control his emotions before continuing and responding. He still wants to talk to me for a little bit everyday but all the hard stuff should be communicated through written stuff. This is a good idea, but if he had trouble responding to my emotions then he should have thought of this earlier like, I don’t know, when I separated from him a month and a half ago. He just kept saying that he didn’t know it was this bad, that he thought we were working it out, he just wanted to get back to us being a team again. I don’t know what part of I’m moving out because this is so bad, that he didn’t understand.

We’ve had our fights multiple times but I’ve never left in 8 years (other then that very first time I experienced his anger). The fact that I left should show how bad this is. I shouldn’t have to tell him that I want a divorce for him to realize how important our relationship is.

The worst part about this is that I’m so extremely empathetic that I can feel his pain. How painful that would be to already feel in an intense amount of pain and shame from your own childhood wounding. To be told your entire childhood that you are a failure. To deal with depression and inner turmoil your entire life. To have these massive holes in yourself that you have to use other people to fill them only to push them away in the end. To not know how to treat people because the only thing you know is what your parents taught you. To know that you completely screwed this up and you failed again just like your parents said you would. I don’t know if this is how he actually feels or if he’s lived it for so long that he’s not self aware enough to feel that.

My problem is that what if he does feel that way? How much more damage to his emotional health can he take, what if me leaving him sends him down a hole he can’t get out of? What if he does really actually want to change? God I hate so much that I’m this way, I can’t even put out mouse traps because I feel bad about killing them! I can’t watch gory movies because I literally feel their pain. I can watch someone sitting at a restaurant and feel whether they are sad or not. The weight of just everyday life is often exhausting because of this, coupled with the incredibly intense emotions that I get from him, it’s just crushing me.

I know that I would be happier without him eventually but the guilt that I feel from hurting him like this is horrible. I want him to show something horrible so I won’t feel bad, but this is awful. I can’t tell if it’s the ultimate form of manipulation or him wanting to change. The unknown of this situation is becoming to much to bear. I had put my husband into God’s hands before this talk and the devil is trying to take it from God and give it back to me because he knows God can handle him and I can’t. I can’t think strait right now though, I need to clear my head for a night.