I have been an atheist for almost ten years at this point. I hated religion, I hated God and I hated when people would try to explain God to me. I was raised in the religion! How stupid of them to bring up arguments I used to argue! How fragile their faith is, that it could be dismantled by a little science. I was an educated individual who believed in evolution and sound science. I was above the concept of God. I wasn’t so weak that I needed a crutch to get me through life.
These people were happy though, they didn’t seem weak or unintelligent when I finally threw away my ego.
The concept of God was coming up in my thoughts more and more. Why was I with a person I hated when I didn’t even believe in good or evil. Why not just do what makes me happy, this is all I have.
Then I had this great plan: I was going to fake being a christian so that my husband would leave me. How brilliant!
Well, one day, I went to lunch with my family. My husband was so mad at me for going even though he was working that day anyways. He hates my family and thought that I should also hate them because they were ‘poisonous’. My brother and sister in law could tell I was upset and asked if they could pray with me. I was like ‘sure, whatever makes you happy. Why should I get upset if I didn’t even believe?’. So they did, and I felt a rage inside of me so strong that I thought I was going to scream and chuck the pizza box at the wall and then I just cried. I felt so lost and alone and angry and even more so, confused. Why did I get upset? I never had before when they prayed for me. Luckily my family never gives up. They noticed and kept texting me about it. I thought well you know, I had never looked at Christianity after I lost my faith. Maybe I should just read some books and see what other people have come up with. I was going to start with scientists because I wanted to see if other science minded people could make sense of it. My husband was so upset, he told me he should have let me leave way back when since I was just throwing away our marriage now with religion. I didn’t even believe yet, I was just researching!
Well one book led to another, and another and soon I had read dozens of books from people who had looked at science and religion and found God. Even better, they made sense! If god is God, why couldn’t he create the world through evolution? what was more crazy- believing in a big bang out of nothing, or a powerful god creating the big bang that would be so perfect that it would lead to intelligent life billions of years later? It all made so much sense to me, science doesn’t disprove God, it bolsters Him. I no longer doubted but I still hated the idea of religion, the fake, judgmental people that I remember all to well from my childhood. I thought, well I’m just going to do this alone I don’t need those religious people. God can be all mine and he will change me and make my life great, right?! Yeah.. no.
We evolved to be social creatures, we are stronger when we are together and I was alone except for my family that I rarely saw. I begged God to show me what to do, I would read the Bible and pray all day and research everything about it. My life still sucked though, in fact it sucked more. I was now in therapy because I felt like I was going crazy, My husband and I were moving to a different state for his job, he resented religion and was disgusted that I was weak enough to believe in it. He thought that he was all I needed, why do I hate him so much that I would look to a fictional being to make me happy?
We almost divorced, multiple times he tried to take me to the BMV to switch the car to my name. One night we got in a huge fight because I told him that my walk of faith was more important than our marriage. Not exactly in that way but that’s how he took it. He said well if that’s the case, than you don’t love me and I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Well now I was new to my walk of faith and I didn’t want a divorce to be the start of it so I begged him to stay. The entire time we argued, he was looking at houses that he could afford alone, somewhere down south because he didn’t have to worry about my job anymore. I felt like I was being split in two. Finally he decided that I had suffered enough after 4 hours and took off his boots and decided to stick it out.
Yeah, I am that easy to manipulate.
I had stopped drinking, stopped vaping, I was feeling closer to God. I was comfortable buying a home in another state with my husband. I thought, this is the step that is finally going to make him happy. He’s always wanted his own house, his own garage, a job not on 3rd shift. Well we bought a beautiful home during COVID-19 and I moved with him to a different state. We have an over sized two car garage, a shed, almost a half acre, he’s on 1st shift and a big house and we lived happily ever after.
Just kidding! I could no longer go to work due to the virus, so I was stuck working from home. My husband is now making all the money. The house, the car, the truck are all in his name. I work full time but he pretty much disregards my contributions. I thought supporting me would make him happy but it makes him feel powerful. So now he’s still angry, still tired, and now completely in control financially. I haven’t read the Bible or prayed in months and I’m back to drinking and vaping. I’ve lost another dog, I’m being told everyday that I’m too emotional. The belittling and emotional abuse is constant and it feels like the only thing left is to jerk the wheel of my car on the highway.
Recently, I went to a memorial dinner for my mom’s late husband after he died suddenly of a heart attack. I was so worried they were going to ask me about my faith or my new life. I spilled a bag of dog food and looked around waiting for my husband to call me a screw up, but he wasn’t there. The only people that were there was my family who laughed it off and helped me clean it up. My sister came home with me that night so could take her to the airport the next morning. My husband was so mad that I had kept him up because he can’t sleep without me. On the way to the airport I got to have a heart to heart with my sister and it made me realize some things. After I dropped her off, my husband called and told me that I need to start locking my car at night. I had just forgotten and he said that excuse was getting old. I joked and said ok dad, to which he said if I would stop acting like a child, he wouldn’t have to treat me like one. Than said he had more important things to do and got off the phone. I was so tired of it all, my brother encouraged me to surround myself with christian music so I started listening to that.
I broke down completely, all the fighting, anger, confusion and exhaustion came over me and I cried the entire way home. I was grieving the loss of my friends, my family, my 20s, my education, my life that I had all given to my husband.
Well this is it, this is sink or swim. I will not give anymore, I will not be the victim anymore. This is me taking back control of my life. This time, I have God on my side.