Miso Soup

Ok guys day two of taking back my life. The day was going seemingly fine until around 8pm. My husband had to go to work on this Saturday and spent almost 12 hours there. I know it was a long day for him. Luckily he was just overseeing and got to hang out with the guys while the machinery did it’s thing. Still a long day though. I spent the day cleaning, organizing, gardening, reading the Bible and listening to YouTube about narcissism. I’ve been reading a few Bible plans about playing the victim. I feel like I’ve let myself be the victim in this relationship and I don’t like that- I want to be empowered! I’ve learned that when I don’t have hope, love, or understanding in my marriage, I can get that from God. This is what I have been missing in my life.

I do believe that God can change anything and anyone and I hope he does work on my husband. However, I also believe that my husband has a personality disorder and narcissistic individuals, statistically, very rarely change. I used to pray for God to fix my husband, to just change him so that we could be happy. I would pray over his food and pray over him when he slept. Nothing ever changed. Again, I was trying to fix my husband and not work on myself. Although, I still pray for my husband, I am now focusing on fixing the one thing I can change, myself. So today, I educated myself on how to react to and handle a narcissist. Wow, really depressing stuff out there, here are a few things I learned:

  1. Never, ever try and play their game 
  2. Journal everyday so you don’t become victim to gaslighting
  3. If they are gaslighting you, don’t react, state the facts and move on (don’t give in to self doubt)
  4. Find your true self and stick to it. Know that you are awesome and worthy
  5. Narcissists love to watch you squirm, don’t let them see you get upset
  6. When they give you the silent treatment, never beg them to stop or forgive you
  7. Remember, their actions are not because of you but because of their own pain

Now, I learned a lot more than this- I have a habit of over researching everything but this is a good start. I knew I was going to have to use these tactics today probably because I want to go to church tomorrow. I know he’s going to be upset, because he just worked all day and now I’m going to leave for a whole hour tomorrow (the horror). That also means for him, this whole religion thing never went away. So I’m all ready for this, he comes home and seems in a good mood. I ask him what he wants for dinner, he said whatever you want to make. I hate this so much, just give me one idea! So, I’ve been wanting to make Korean fire roasted chicken with miso ramen and I surprisingly had everything for it. I get halfway through making it and he looks up from his game and asks what I’m making and I told him. Oh god, it was like I was feeding him his own foot or something! He ate it though in total silence, told me next time he says whatever about food, assume he doesn’t want this and hasn’t talked to me since. Great, the silent treatment because of homemade ramen! (It was amazing by the way) So I clean up everything and sit on the couch and he says nothing for a long time. Then he gives me this disgusted look and says “How much wine have you drank?”. I told him that I’m not drinking anymore and haven’t today. He just replied with a disapproving “uh huh” and still hasn’t talked to me. So needless to say, we never got to talk about me going to church in the morning, guess that’s a problem for tomorrow. Anyways, I think what has him so upset is that I didn’t get upset. I acted normal and didn’t ask him why he was mad, or beg for forgiveness because of what I cooked. I’m not trying to get him to talk to me and I’m not letting him watch me squirm. I think why the silent treatment bothers me so bad is because he is usually pretty chatty and touchy. He wants my attention and affection all the time and I’m used to this. When he gives me the silent treatment, he makes it very obvious that he doesn’t want to hear or touch me and cuts off any connection. These are the actions of an unhealthy person and I can not let myself be sucked into his game. So day two of taking back my life and I’ve already upset my husband over some soup. Alright God, this one is all you.

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