Day 5 of Taking Back My Life. We’re both feeling pretty uneasy at this point. The tension in the room could be cut with a butter knife. Luckily we both had to work pretty late, so we just sat at the table with our computers. We’d give each other occasional glances of boredom or frustration at what we were both working on but no talk really.
When that was over he sat on the couch and I juggled for a bit (exciting life, I know). Usually I will do whatever he wants, I serve this man like a maid for some reason. Anyways, he asks for tea so I decided to make him some and go back to juggling. Then he asks me to put anti itch stuff on a bug bite on his foot, I do it but I’m starting to get frustrated. Back to juggling, he then asks for ice cream and I was just done. I know to react in a calm way but my mouth is often much quicker than my head and I say “You have two damn feet, why can’t you go get it?”. Not exactly the best reaction- and he didn’t take it very well and the silence begins again. Well after about 15 minutes, I decide to bring him ice cream for whatever reason and he throws it back and says he doesn’t want it anymore. I just told him I felt like he thought I was his maid all the time. He countered with the fact that I was already up and he was tired, he hurt, he had a cat sitting on him. This drives me crazy because I like to help and serve people, especially those that I care about, but I’m feeling extremely used. I mean this is the man that will ask me to get him water when he’s standing next to the fridge or make him tea when I’m sick- it gets old after a while. Anyways, enough ranting – he says “Are you just going to start getting offended at everything I say?”. Again, my mouth is quicker than my head and I say “Maybe everything you say IS offensive”. So that was an improper way of handling that and it’s something that I really need to work on apparently.
While he lets the ice cream melt next to him, his friend calls him. I have let this friend into my home so many times because I want him to have friends and this is his only friend. She’s not exactly my favorite person in the world but she’s pretty nice. The only problem is, they have slept together in the past. I’m not a huge fan of making someone cut someone out of their lives just because I don’t like them or want them around, but this one pushes my buttons a little bit. It probably wouldn’t as much if I knew that I could have a man friend around. Even if I had never slept with the guy, I know he would never let me keep close friends with another male. So this is just another example of him being able to do whatever he wants but would never let me do the same thing.
They talk for a time and he stays there on the couch and eventually they talk for so long I need to start feeding the animals, which is loud. So he decides to go up to our room, turn on the fan and shut the door. He talks with her for 3 entire hours. I can’t even talk to my own mom for 15 minutes without him getting upset. At one point I listened for a second at the door and heard “she’s unhappy again, I don’t even know what I did this time”. I get so confused by this, how can someone look you dead in the eye and say that they were wrong and will try and work on it, while going to the next person and saying they have no idea what they did? I’ve watched him lie to people with a terrifying amount of ease and absolutely no sense of regret. I’ve seen him lie for no reason to someone and asked him why he didn’t just tell the truth, he just said it was easier that way.
He’s done this ever since I’ve known him, and I’ve never thought he would lie to me. It’s crossed my mind but I just ignored it I guess. I made excuses for why he lied to other people but he loved me, he wouldn’t do that to me. I’m not sure who has lied more, him or me. We are both extremely guilty of lying to ourselves, but they are both for very different reasons. Now I am not going to say I never lie either- I actually lie more than I would like to admit. I lie to him about vaping pretty regularly, I lied about the mold in the basement, I lie about it when I talk to my mom on the phone, I lie when he asks me if the dogs chewed anything up when he was gone. I have learned to lie because I know what the truth brings and it’s rage. This terrifies me, I do not want to be an untrustworthy person because of this. I’ve lied to protect myself and I am worried that it will start becoming a habit in other aspects of my life.
Well back to the main point, I knew that he was lying to me about wanting to change, but it hurt more than I expected when I actually heard him talking about it. I really did want to believe that he would try and change but this is just another screaming signpost saying he’s not being genuine. Once he was finally off the phone with her, he mentions that he wants to fix the basement this weekend so that when I do divorce him, we can sell the house. I just make a joke about using a sledgehammer and he apparently takes it seriously and just says “no”. I tried to bring up the divorce thing because I was feeling out the topic and he tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t care enough. Fine, I don’t really care at this point either, I just want this to be over. The worst part is, he slept in the same bed as me last night finally and I slept better than I had in days.
This is an incredibly hard time for me but I would have given up on day 2 if not for God and the awesome people in my family and the understanding people at work. Lets see what tomorrow brings….