Wow it has been crazy going back and reading some of my posts from just a few weeks ago, I can’t believe how much everything has changed since my first couple posts. I feel like my emotions and thoughts have been all over the board lately. The end of this week marks one month that I have been separated and also marks the time that I’m supposed to be making a decision. It’s hard to make a decision after reading through my old posts because I was in such a dark place and it scares me to even consider putting myself back into that situation.
I have now started spending a little more time with my husband and we’ve had our second therapy session. Last week was pretty rough for us as he was so nice and understanding for the three days after hanging out with all of us. After those three days though, his attitude took a nosedive. We went from having healthy and fun conversations to him completely shutting down. What worried me was that he wasn’t angry, he was just cold. The only words coming out of his mouth were sarcastic comments about our marriage or about myself. I used to just let him do this to me because if I tell him to stop, it always starts a huge fight or he gives me the silent treatment.
Well this time I told him to stop and that didn’t exactly go well. Just to clear things up and I told him this also- I completely believe that joking around with your partner is very healthy and everyone makes fun of their partner on occasion and that’s not a bad thing. The problem I have is that, when he gets like this, he makes fun of me all the time. It’s constant “joking” and he isn’t saying it in a funny way or with any emotions. Anyways, I asked him to stop finally and he just said that he was joking and if I couldn’t tell when he was joking after 8 years then we have a problem. He then went on to say if he can’t even joke in our relationship then it’s not really worth it. That’s when our conversations just stopped- but he doesn’t ever get off the phone when he’s giving me the silent treatment over the phone. He expects me to carry on a one sided conversation and if I don’t then I’m being dramatic or emotional. So this drags on for a couple days and then he gets really sick and tired of it all and goes after Christianity again.
Same stuff as before, I’m jumping off the deep end, if I don’t calm down I’m going to become a fanatic, my brother and sister and law are brainwashing me, I’m going to start controlling him with it and forcing it down his throat, etc. I stupidly tried to argue back all these points and every time I did, he would say that I’ve never allowed him to speak his mind. He hasn’t been allowed to give his opinion on the matter and he’s had to just sit there and watch me go crazy, this time though he’s not going to be there to catch me when I fall. This man never ceases to give me his opinion on anything and I always listen to them because he’s my husband and I want him to feel heard. I don’t know where he is coming from with this, all I have ever asked is for him to respect my decision and not get upset if I don’t laugh at his “jesus jokes”. I never once told him that he couldn’t express his opinions about it. Well he expressed his opinions for about 1-2 hours and I couldn’t say anything the entire time, even though I tried which I still don’t know was a good idea. I just don’t like the idea of being told how I am going to act in the future with no basis. This part of the conversation was typical though because he’s expressed these opinions a couple times before and this is a very short version of it.
What was really crazy is that he told me to stop writing little notes and putting it in his stuff. He’s mentioned this one time before and I just didn’t say anything because I’ve never done that, I thought he found the couple note cards that I had written at one point. These weren’t note cards apparently, he said that they were like little fortune cookie pieces of paper. Apparently, he’s been finding them in all of his stuff, his clothes, car, lunch bags…… and they all had Bible verses on them. I honestly don’t know what to believe right now. I’m a millennial, other than the 5 note cards I had written on, everything that I do is on my phone or my laptop- I absolutely hate handwriting these days. So I know that I didn’t do this, but he swears up and down that I am lying because it’s in my handwriting. How am I supposed to argue that?
On top of that, he thinks that I’m adding stuff to his food to try and sever the demon that is inside of him. Apparently he saw a text on my phone that said something about me adding something to his food (he’s not even supposed to be reading my phone anymore, the one boundary I set). Again, this probably isn’t the best timing, but I laughed…. it all seemed so freaking absurd. I told him that I do pray over his food but I’m not going to start boiling our Alfredo noodles in holy water in order to cast out his demons. This turned into a massive fight because he thought I was lying to him and that I’m trying to make him feel crazy… Now I am starting to wonder if he’s crazy because these were the craziest accusations. Finally my phone died, thank God, I just sat there thinking what in the world just happened.
I came in and talked to my brother and sister and law and told them all of this. They seemed excited which kind of made me mad at first because I just dealt with such crap. Luckily they explained- we had been praying every single night that God would do something so obvious that my husband couldn’t ignore it. That God would come down and basically smack him in the face to get his attention. Maybe that’s why he is seeing these notes everywhere, God’s trying to talk to him. Then they explained that he’s probably very influenced by demons- side note, I don’t think he has the Jezebel spirit anymore, just a whole host of influencing evil spirits who are getting super pissed that I’m fighting back…. Does that sound more or less crazy? Regardless, they’re giving him some crazy thoughts and the fact that this is getting worse is a sign that I’m going in the right direction and they’re getting angry.
I know that evil spirits and things seem pretty crazy to talk about and contemplate but has anyone ever wondered why people are so obsessed with the spirit realm? I mean, our media is absolutely saturated with the idea. Go to any third world country and they’ll think YOU are crazy for not believing in the spirit realm. How many personal stories are there of haunted houses and possessions? I had a friend from India in college and he was a very educated man, his dad and mom were doctors and he was working in the web development area. He wholeheartedly believed in the spirit realm and told me that people don’t see these things because they turn it off in their mind. That if you open your mind to the idea of spirits, you will start noticing them. Well I opened up my mind to it and now all this weird stuff is happening. I still can see the way my husband looked at me the other night, how crazy his eyes were and how I felt like I was falling into a black hole. Now this with the little notes and thinking that I’m adding things to his food to cast out the demons. I don’t even talk to him about demons, why is he all of a sudden obsessed with it?
This typically would freak me out but I’ve realized one thing- Jesus died on the cross and fought the battle against the dark forces of this world and won, so we’ve already won. We have the power over evil, the only power evil has over us now is the power that we give it. Evil spirits can be annoying and exhausting and will fight you if you start coming to the realization that you have the power over them. As long as we live with the power of God, and refuse to give into their fear tactics, we are totally free. However, I’m learning that this takes a lot of work, I have to keep my shield up constantly around my husband. The second you give in is the second they regain power. This is a whole lot of words to say, I still have no idea what I’m doing, I’m still having problems standing up to my husband and I still feel like I can’t go back and fight this yet if I do at all. I’m truly sorry if this turns people away from my blog, but I encourage people to read what the Bible has to say about spirits because it’s a pretty common topic in there. I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that the physical world is all we have……