Bondage to Fear

It’s officially been a month since I have left and I can’t believe that is has gone this quickly. It feels like it was just last weekend that we separated even though so much has happened. The walking that I did last week was good for me I think and I’m going to continue that. One thing that I wanted to do though was work on myself and although the walking was good, what helped was the company of my family and friends. I’m starting to find myself in their company, but I am being careful not to replace the control that was over me with another form of control by other people. I am very much so a people pleaser so I am working on just setting boundaries in normal relationships. The problem is that my husband doesn’t see this- he thinks I am just partying and having a good time while I have my freedom. He’s begging me to come home, he’ll let me walk every night and give me the space I need, he just wants me home at night. The problem is that I will be alone again and back under his control when I still don’t feel like I can hold that shield and I don’t have my walls built completely.

I already feel like I’m living the story of Nehemia in the Bible. I am in no way well versed in the Bible but this is just my understanding of it, I would encourage anyone to read this story. Nehemia left his cushy life as the kings cupbearer to go to Jerusalem and organize the rebuilding of their walls and gates that had previously been destroyed.  The entire time they were building the walls, they built with a sword in one hand and a tool in the other, he literally had people stationed at all the holes during this process to fight off the enemy. Nehemia was mocked, threatened and manipulated but with the strength of God and the people, he was able to rebuild the walls in like 5 months or something crazy. I feel like my walls and gates have been demolished and I was totally open to the enemies attacks.

Right now I feel like I’m in the process of rebuilding my defenses but I still have a bunch of holes. I’m not able to withstand a full blown attack yet without the support of my family stationed in the holes of my wall. My husband is trying so hard to push my family away from me and to break down these walls because he know’s that they are still weak. He’s played almost every game in the book to get me to come back before my walls are strong and I think he honestly know that if I am strong before I come back, he will have lost.

He’s definitely trying his best though… After my birthday we had therapy the next morning. He asked before therapy if I was doing anything that day and I said that I was hiking with my sister. He acted so hurt that I didn’t want to do anything with him even though I asked him first if he wanted to do something! Apparently he had this perfect birthday dinner planned out and it was like I was a traitor for doing something else. Well that put him in a bad mood so therapy didn’t go well. He barely talked the whole time, just stared at the wall. The one time he did talk was during the “how’s your sex life” part. He used to tell me that his ex girlfriend was passionless and like a dead fish in bed. I don’t know why I felt sorry for him when he said that, I just thought at the time it wasn’t fair that he didn’t feel appreciated. I also didn’t realize that if a person is constantly talking crap about their ex, their probably eventually going to do the same thing to you. Well he did, he complained for a long time that I was passionless. That he makes me angry just so I show a little enthusiasm in bed, otherwise I act like it’s just a chore.

Short rant here- I have always understood the importance of physical intimacy in a relationship especially for the man. I very rarely said no to him even when I was sick or tired and he gets it like almost every night and I’ve never just laid there passionless. This is probably a little too much info here but I have a lot of issues with pain in this area and I’ve been to the doctor and had surgery and nothing helps me. Even when I am in extreme pain, I still very rarely say no. He knows that I have problems and all he does is say that I’m not figuring out what’s wrong because I don’t want to do it more than once a day. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried a lot to help though. I can’t ever initiate it because he says I’m being fake and I’m just doing it to make him happy. When he initiates it’s either by making me enraged or making me feel guilty. He always says that he knows that I don’t like it and it probably does nothing for me but he has a headache and needs it. How am I supposed to be passionate in those situations? Crap, sorry that was more than a short rant, I just get so mad at him and myself because I can’t believe I let this happen for so long.

I know that some people might read this and call me an idiot for not just divorcing him and that’s fine but I am just a very stubborn person and I want to do absolutely everything before I end this. He will do this to another girl after me and I know it and she might not have the support from her family and friends and get absolutely stuck. I know that I can’t do anything really but God can and maybe He can move through me and maybe just cut off the heads of those demons living with my husband. Maybe he can break this cycle so that no one else is hurt. The main thing that I am trying to work on, as part of building my walls, is my own fear. My husband has never physically hurt me, yet I am so afraid of upsetting him, still! I feel like I am a slave to that fear, that it controls me completely. I don’t even know what I am afraid of anymore, how can I be so afraid of someone that has no power over me?

In my mind it makes absolutely no logical sense but it’s still there. I know it’s from letting myself be conditioned by my husband to have this fear response but I thought that after a month it would be gone by now. I had heard that it takes a while to recover from emotional abuse but I thought I could handle it better. Maybe if I knew I wasn’t going back with him and just getting a divorce the fear wouldn’t be there. Regardless, I need to be delivered from this fear mentality. I’m afraid (get it? haha) that I will just carry this fear to a new relationship if I don’t overcome this particular problem. Then I might just start this cycle all over again! I know that God is the only one who can deliver me from the bondage of fear because I have literally tried everything in my own power to stop it. I’m not a fearful person generally. I enjoy extreme sports, free climbing high cliffs, I want to skydive, I’m not afraid of making mistakes at work or in my life and I’m not afraid of losing all my money. I am a people pleaser though and I don’t like making people upset but I’ve learned that I can have boundaries without fear in other relationships. It’s just these narcissistic situations where I can not break out of that fear mentality. It’s an extremely irrational situation and I’ve been trying to solve it rationally.

Well it’s high time I start using what people would believe to be irrational methods. Through God’s grace, I will be delivered from this bondage of fear and I will no longer let it dominate my life anymore. God has delivered us from bondage and made us free people, it’s about time I start taking that promise seriously. 

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