Letting Go

I have realized that the entire time I have been separated, I am still letting my husband control me. You should see what I do when he calls me, I drop everything and answer the phone. I’ve been seeing him every weekend, not hanging up on him or ending our conversation when he gets angry and is condescending, talking to him on the phone twice a day, and filtering myself so I don’t upset him. I cannot believe that I am still letting him control me when I’m an hour away. When I do go home, everything goes right back to normal for the most part, I don’t know if he’s trying or not but it sure doesn’t look like it.

We talked about his childhood in therapy on Saturday and he was pretty honest. The problem is that he sees himself as this strong person because he got through it. Our therapist highly recommended personal therapy for him as the abuse he dealt with is coming out in our marriage because he never had someone healthy to mirror as a child. The therapist was happy that he was at least talking about it and being honest and gave him some reading material. I had this small glimmer of hope for a second, maybe someone else telling him that therapy could help would finally get him to do it, finally make him understand that he hasn’t dealt with the core issues. I told my husband before we even started this that he didn’t need to talk about his childhood in therapy and I would never bring it up so the fact that he did this really did give me hope.

We got out of therapy and I asked him what he thought, he said his childhood didn’t really matter and that he just needs to learn how to make me happy. I asked about personal therapy and he just laughed, he isn’t weak enough to need that crap. Poof, all hope disappeared. He honestly believes that he can just change the superficial stuff to make me happy instead of dealing with the root issue of his anger and behaviors. I want him to be truly happy, I want him to learn how to deal with these things so he isn’t living this life of constant inner turmoil. I want to see him actually smile and laugh and be freed from those chains of childhood trauma. I can’t make him do that though, I used to think that I could show him how great it is by trying to be happy all the time and going to my own therapy but it just didn’t work, in only made him more angry.

Anyways, at this point I had no more hope. I stayed with him the night before therapy because he wanted to spend as much time possible together because he was getting used to me not being there. Well when I did show up, he was an absolute nightmare. He kept telling me that he needs to get past his anger first. So for the next hour and a half, I listened to him talk about his irrational thoughts. He kept saying that it made him sick to see me in the house, that he wanted to just tell me to leave, just looking at me was disgusting him but these were all irrational and he would start loving me again in an hour or two. Why in the world did I believe him and even more, why did I stay?? He did get better after a while but he immediately wanted sex, he was pretty aggressive about it but I kept saying no and he finally stopped. Then he left and went coyote hunting the entire night, which was actually nice for me because I got to spend time with my dogs in my own house for the first time in a month and a half.

After therapy the next day, I thought going somewhere that he enjoyed would help him feel a little more normal. He loves history and planes so I thought an air force museum would be good. Well first thing he did was park all the way at the end so “no idiot would hit him” and then walk all the way there carrying his large pocket knife…. They obviously didn’t let him in and we had to walk all the way back to take it to his car. Needless to say, he lost his temper like 5 times during the course of our 3 hour trip. After we got home, he asked if I was staying the night and I said that I wasn’t because he was going hunting all night anyways. That man spent the next 3-4 hours ignoring me. He kept telling me to just go home because I had done my duty and gone to the museum and I don’t need to stick around. I don’t know why I didn’t just leave.

Well we took a nap and he would wake up, roll over, tell me that I was boring and go back to sleep. When he was feeling like less of a jerk, he got up and started “joking around”. Which meant joking at my expense. I asked him to stop again, because he had just been a jerk and joking like this is unhealthy. He again said that I was being too sensitive and this is his way of getting out of his bad mood. So far, everything we have discussed in therapy is non existent and he refuses to use any of the advice given- and it didn’t get better.

The therapist told him in the therapy before this that intimate relations are going to be difficult for me to get back into as I feel no good emotional connection with my husband. He told him not to push it, that we are going to have to work through it. Well he pushed it, very aggressively, I kept pushing him away and he would come back. I would ask him not to bite me because I didn’t want marks so he tried to anyways. He said “have fun showing that one off in church tomorrow”. Side note, I was playing the guitar that Sunday in front of people and he knew it. I just kept pushing him away and he would push harder, the man is 6′ 1″ and weighs around 250 so it doesn’t do me much good to push. Finally I just said no I’m not doing it and he walked away all rejected, walking around the kitchen sighing, saying that I don’t love him.

Well I start making hamburgers and he comes back more aggressively this time and would not stop. I just told him that if he wants me to show passion, then this isn’t the way to do it. He just said he didn’t care, he didn’t need passion. He wouldn’t stop and I stupidly gave in. I honestly thought that I was going to kick him right in the face the entire time and I even cried but he wasn’t paying attention. Right afterwards, he goes well that was good, guess next week I’ll buy you a guitar and then left to go hunting for the night.

I thought I was going to puke and I should have gotten all my stuff then but I didn’t. I wanted to get out of that house so badly that I just left. That night and the next morning were incredibly hard to keep a lid on my emotions. I couldn’t even think about it, I just tried to ignore it until I could calmly think about it. He begged me to come back and move in that day but I couldn’t even talk to him, let alone see him.

I wanted so badly for this relationship to work out, for me to be able to show people that strongly narcissistic people could change and a marriage could work. I wanted this blog to be a success story not another ended marriage. I wanted to witness God changing my husband through this difficult time. What I didn’t realize was that while I was trying to change my husband, God was actually changing me. God is absolute love and He cares about our hearts and souls, not how well we follow the rules. When we go to Him for strength, He’ll give it to us. This past weekend has shown me that I am strong in God and I do not have to put myself in that situation ever again, especially now that he is fine with mild sexual abuse.

I did everything I possibly could for this marriage but I can’t do it anymore. I talked with my sister in law about it and eventually to my brother (who was restraining everything inside of him in order not to go and confront my husband). They have been so supportive and I can’t express how much I appreciate my family’s involvement in all of this. They agree that this has to end, God can still save my husband but that doesn’t mean He has to do it through me. This is just the beginning though, I have no idea how he will take a divorce but I just pray that everyone stays safe and that he doesn’t freak out and do something stupid. Guess we’ll find out, either way, I’m breaking this chain that has tied me to him for far too long.