The Struggle

You know what I think is stupid, marriage. This whole idea that you should emotionally bind yourself to someone is awful. We feel safe in marriage, we feel like we finally have some one that understands, that will love you and take care of you. So we give ourselves completely to another person and let them know all of us. Then, when something happens, when that trust is broken, it doesn’t just break the relationship, it breaks a part of you. So far, I haven’t figured out how to fix that yet. I feel like a glass windshield, I started out with just a small fracture but over time, that fracture has turned into a huge crack and I’ll shatter with just the slightest bump. Last time I checked, you don’t find the rock that shattered your windshield and use it to fix it again.

That’s exactly what my husband is trying to do though, he wants to fix what he broke. He feels like he has the right to make amends and be there during the fixing process. He doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t want that. Maybe I don’t understand that I don’t want that. I’ve had the option to end this, I had that option last weekend again and I didn’t do it. I have this stupid fear that I’m making the worst parts about him up. That I read too much about narcissism and I’m placing him inside that box because I want something to make sense. Now whenever he tries to say anything, I automatically think he’s being manipulative. What if he isn’t though? What if he is actually trying to change and he is putting in the work to do it?

So do I go back, try it out and see? I’m torn because if he is this manipulative, I’ll be starting from scratch trying to get back out. However, if he is trying to change, then I’m throwing away someone who loves me. This is why I’m struggling to understand why it would ever be worth it to let someone know you on a deep level. This is the absolute worst thing that I have ever felt in my life and it was never worth the love that I had. How does someone make a decision like this with so much unknown? I know that I heard God say that it was ok, but maybe I misinterpreted what He was saying.

I feel so stupidly weak right now, most people would have dealt with this already, one way or another. But here I am, feeling like an insecure child that isn’t smart enough to make the right decision, or just too afraid. Letting out my emotions was not a good idea, it’s hard to get a lid back on them once you let open the flood gates. I’ve been extraordinarily blessed with the amount of support from my friends and family, so why do I feel so alone? Also, why would anyone get a seven year old boy a drum set? It’s really hard to wallow in self pity when he’s beating on those things.

Anyways, I’ve been talking to my husband a little bit…. He usually calls me on my way home from work but he didn’t today. He said he was having a bad day and had a bad night. He wouldn’t say why though. So I called him…. bad idea. He was crying, my 230 lb mountain man husband was crying. He’s done it before but he seemed legitimately upset this time. I don’t know why I pried when he said he didn’t want to talk about it, he always says he doesn’t want to talk about it and I always pry it out of him. Another thing that I often think is a manipulation tactic, not sure though. He said that he burnt the meat on the smoker, one of the dogs threw up, our cerebral palsy cat peed on him, he hit a skunk and a cat on his way to work and he had a rough day at work. He said he could have dealt with all of that but he couldn’t deal with the fact that he wasn’t coming home to his wife. That he has to deal with the fact that I might actually leave him and he’ll lose his family, me and the animals.

That he can’t close himself off emotionally anymore so he just has to feel all of the pain. The worst part apparently is that he now understands what he’s done to me. That I was never able to shut off my emotions and I had to feel that kind of pain for the entire length of our relationship. Sometimes I wish I was a vengeful person, that I could be glad that he’s feeling that way so he can feel my pain. I’m not that way though, all it does it add guilt and confusion to the pain that I’m already feeling. I can’t say that he was being manipulative though, because I made him tell me what was wrong, he tried to tell me that I didn’t need to hear it. So what is it? Is he that good at manipulating me or is he actually in pain because he is changing and doesn’t want to lose me?

God, I want a freaking lobotomy sometimes, what I would do to shut off my feelings and ignore this crap so I could make a logical decision. Now I’m starting to understand why he shut off whenever he felt something, it’s just easier that way. Whatever, I’m done thinking about this right now anyways and this stupid continuous crying is giving me a headache. Sorry for the negativity in this post, I’m just struggling a bit. Life is a bitch sometimes though, isn’t it?

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