What Am I Doing?

So Day 7, I’m at a loss. I was so sure in the morning that divorce was the answer. I prayed all morning about it and read the bible. I fell on chapter 7 of Romans where it talks about how we have to die to our sins. When we die to our sins, the law of man is abolished. I just cried, I have no idea what this means. I want to be out of this relationship so bad that maybe I’m twisting the Bible to say what I want to hear. Everyone keeps telling me to listen to my heart, or pray and listen to God. I just want to scream “I don’t know what that means!” I don’t know how. I can’t tell the difference between my heart, my head and God.

I spend a great deal of time in my head. I don’t talk to a lot of people and I can’t tell my husband how I feel so half the time so I talk to myself. Deciphering that matrix of God, heart and head seems impossible. I feel utterly hopeless. I pray, I read and I beg God to show me the right way forward. The thought of staying in this relationship makes me feel like I might as well die. I know that God hates divorce but he also detests evil words and hateful acts. Which one trumps the other? Will I become an adulterer if I leave this marriage and down the road enter into another marriage? Am I going to spend the rest of my life in sin because I divorced? Or will God come down and bless our marriage and change my husbands heart? I don’t know…

Some part of me wishes that I would have divorced him before I found God, it would have been so much easier. On the other hand, God is the one that gave me hope when I had none at all. He’s the one that gave me life when I felt like dying. He’s the one that loved me when I didn’t feel like anyone else did. I’m frustrated that He’s not yelling in my ear what to do but I don’t regret at all my decision to open my heart to Him. even though it made my life a lot more difficult in terms of my marriage. I guess I didn’t really choose to open my heart to Him, this all started because I wanted to fake Christianity in order to get out of this relationship. My life is one big story of backfires, but this one worked in my favor. The funny thing is, I lost God when I met my husband. Meeting him was my act of rebelliousness, good lord, how that one backfired.

So the main question “What the hell do I do now?”… My husband is only talking to me a little bit, and he went to bed an hour after he got home. When he was up, he moped around the house, looking at the dogs and sighing. The whole thing was one big pity party. When I got into bed later on, I asked him if he wanted a back rub because it usually helps him sleep. He tells me no, he’s going to stop asking me to do stuff. I told him that’s a bit extreme, I just wanted a little help around the house. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it and sleeps on the couch. We have gone through pretty much every type of manipulation tactic here and I’ve tried my best to ignore them all. I am at a complete loss here. I think what I am going to do is see how long the sulking and depressed attitude last, keep reading my Bible and praying and then go to another church on Sunday. So much has happened since last week, so I don’t know what to expect anymore. I’m not afraid anymore, God has given me that peace I think. Now I just have to pray that God gives me the right answers.

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