Day Something… I can’t remember what day I’m on anymore. I need to start dedicating more time to this because it has helped me a lot. The last few days have been quite a blur. I went from never leaving my house to constantly doing things, I thought it would exhaust me but I feel alive finally. I have more energy now than I’ve had in 5 years and I’m sleeping way less. We went to a homesteading farm where they make things like kombucha, krauts, and all sorts of fermented foods on a large scale. They gave us a SCOBY to make our own kambucha so now we have that fermenting in the kitchen. We go swimming at the pond, we had a 4th of July party, we go to church, we play very confusing board games, and we have real and meaningful conversations. I know that I am probably driving my brother and sister in law insane by constantly hanging out with them but this is what I’ve needed. I’m so tired of just sitting on the couch and watching my husband play video games, or watching TV. We do go fishing on the weekends sometimes and on occasion go out to eat but that’s pretty much it. I’ve learned how to entertain myself alone and I got used to it but it’s not the way I want to live anymore. The problem with this is that my husband still wants to live this way and I’m so sad to say that I don’t really miss him that much. I do still love him but I am not longer dependent on how he’s feeling at that particular moment and it’s very freeing. I also know that I can’t just hang out with people that I’m comfortable with, I need to learn how to find my own happiness and peace even if I have someone who tries to take that away. That’s what I really want to focus on, I want to be able to have such a strong sense of self that I can have control of how I feel even if it feels like the world is ending.
I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been here though. My brother and sister and law are very strong and knowledgeable Christians and we talk every night about different biblical topics. One interesting topic is that of Jezebel from the Bible. So before I write about this I want everyone to understand that I am a very new christian and I don’t know a whole lot about Bible stories anymore so don’t take my perceptions and understandings for granted- I encourage you to look it up for yourself.
Jezebel was a woman in the old testament that manipulated her husband, king Ahab into turning away from his God and start worshiping false gods and idols. She ended up getting many prophets of God killed and was known to kill anyone who refused to worship Baal. She was also the queen to pretty much dismantle the great prophet Elijah with just a threat. This woman was evil and was known for her sexual promiscuity, manipulation, and cunning behavior among other things. She was eventually killed by being thrown out a window. Although the Bible never specifically says that there is a Jezebel spirit, there are a few mentions of Jezebel in the new testament and many people believe that she is a demon that has taken over a lot of our culture today (Revelation 2:20). Interestingly enough, the Jezebel spirit is often associated with narcissistic behavior and is thought to effect not just women, but men.
We were actually not even talking about my husband having this spirit at all, it was just an interesting topic and the Bible does talk a lot about Christians casting out evil spirits/demons (Luke 10:17, Luke 8:30, Mark 3:11 & 15, Mark 16:17 ). Mark 16:17 actually says that believers will have the power to drive out demons in Jesus’s name. So according to the Bible, demons are very real and we actually have the power to drive them out. Anyways, the way my husband makes me feel, I often had the thought that he had an evil spirit around him even when I wasn’t a christian and it always freaked me out. Sometimes just being around him makes me squirm and the way he reacted when I told him I was going to start going to church kind of made that feeling a little stronger.
Well I’ve been reading about this and many people think that demons know when you start recognizing them and start acting out. This was all pretty new to me so I was kind of taking it all with a grain of salt… until last night. I saw my husband for the first time since I left. We went out to dinner before we went to the friends house to talk. He was acting pretty weird and I could tell he had his defenses up. He kept telling me that something was wrong with me and I was acting weird, but I was just acting normal, maybe a little reserved though due to our situation. He was just being really negative and pretty passive aggressive. He was that way the entire time until we got to their house and his attitude did a 180. We got out of the car and he grabbed me, kissed me and said he loved me. I pulled away because I was like who are you?? He changed so quickly, it really threw me off and made me uncomfortable. Well eventually, we sat down to talk with her, she’s basically our surrogate mother (no offense to my own mother). This was after he made a point to talk to her in private, while I played with the dogs. They both sat across from me and he was like, alright, explain all of your issues. It was so awful, I felt like I was being attacked. We finally got to talking about our problems and she tried to stay neutral. The unnerving part was that he kept trying to stare me down the entire time, he was very intense whenever I would talk. Not like he was interested in listening to me but like he was ready to fight back.
At one point I was saying something and I looked up to him staring strait at me. My husband has light green/dusty eyes but when I looked at him, the color of his eyes were completely black. I’m not making this up, his eyes turned black as black and it scared the living hell out of me. At this time, I do not think it was my husband staring at me, the hair on my arms stuck strait up and I felt like I was falling into a deep hole. I wasn’t even thinking of spirits or anything, I was just trying to talk so it’s not like I was conjuring up something in my head to see what I wanted to see. The feeling that I had when he was looking at me like that was so freaking terrifying and unnerving I actually put on my shoes and almost left. All I wanted to do was run away. I’ve never seen anythings like that before, I’ve never put much stock into spirits until last night. I don’t know if it was the Jezebel spirit or not but for while there, I felt like he was going to get up and just kill me. I know it seems crazy and fanatical but this happened for real.
When I got in my car to leave, I had a massive panic attack and it felt like I just had a brush with death. That picture of his eyes is forever burned into my mind. I still don’t know what to think about it all but I do know that Jesus came and gave us power over spirits like this. This is where I am stuck though, if my husband has let a spirit into his soul, I can’t just go up to my husband and be like yeah I think you are possessed or something and if you don’t mind I would like to use the power of Jesus to get it out of you- he would laugh in my face and call me a fanatical lunatic.
Well anyways, the talk was the same as any other talk. Our friend told us that we have major communication problems and we need to get into therapy otherwise it won’t work and she told him to be genuine when he goes with me. At this point though, I don’t even want to be around him anymore so we’ll see how Saturday goes. To all the readers though, I don’t want to come across as crazy but I can only say what I experienced and what I’ve learned from reading the Bible and talking to people. The Bible does say that our battle is not with flesh and blood though, but against the spiritual forces of evil. I’m not going to lie though, how awesome would that be to cast a demon out a jerk husband and see a change? I think it would be pretty cool, but we’ll see how it goes, time to start the research.