Peace

Day 11, 12 and 13

I am finding it pretty difficult to continue writing everyday. My life at home was pretty boring, I was working from home most of the time and writing was pretty easy. Well I didn’t obviously think this through all the way and this week was the week I went back to work. I’ve gotten pretty used to getting a full nights sleep on a comfortable bed and being alone the entire day. Well all in one week I decided to move into a home with 3 kids, on an air mattress while also starting the half hour drive to work and back, good job self.

Even though my life went from 0 to 100 in one day, I’m still so happy that I did this. I’m getting way less sleep and way less down time but I am 100% more happy. I talked in an earlier blog about trying to combat my husbands anger with peace that would settle over the room like a lead blanket. I still can’t do that but I find it impossible not to feel at peace at their house, they’ve mastered this peace blanket thing. I get really anxious everywhere else I go and start thinking about all these things and what to do with my life but the second that I get back to their house, I feel at peace. Which really sucks for them because I’m not really giving them any space except when I’m at work…. Maybe it’s just because I love the outdoors and they live in the country but I think it’s much more than that. I can physically feel myself relax when I pull into their driveway- for the first time in years, my mind is quiet. Trust me, my brain screams at me all day long, it’s like that super annoying person that won’t shut up most of the time.

I have talked to my husband a few times now though. On day 11 we had a pretty large fight over text, apparently he was a jerk because he was drunk. I talked to my brother about it later, I wanted to know where the line was between supporting your husband and enabling him. He said something that I never would have expected – Let him self destruct, you can’t support him like you did anymore. If I try and support him, all I will do is drag myself down with him and he’ll never learn how to treat people. I’ve known this for some time I guess but it was never validated by another person, it was kind of relieving to hear him say that. At this point, all I can do is find myself in God and pray for him. I really think that is the only thing that will change him, the man is 32…. or 33? I don’t know, he hates birthdays so I can never remember…. The point is he has never been interested in changing, what makes me think that I could change him now?

Maybe couples therapy will help us communicate better and maybe ease some of the tension and maybe get some things out in the open. The problem is that he doesn’t think he needs to change, he knows he needs to work on the anger and being condescending when he’s angry but he won’t see anything else. He thinks it’s perfectly fine to poke at me every second of everyday and he doesn’t see that he has a problem with overstepping boundaries. He only accepts that he has a problem with anger and he attributes most of that to lack of sleep or problems at work, anything but himself. I would understand if this was only a problem every once and a while but it’s been constant for eight years so at this point I’m just tired of excuses.

We are now talking on the phone and over text though. It’s mainly just been our normal casual conversation. We’ve talked about a few things but it’s still just excuses and trying to guilt me into coming home. He explained that he was drunk when he talked to me last and that’s why he was a jerk, but he didn’t apologize. He also didn’t apologize for the date that he set up with another girl on Sunday, although he did tell me that he will cancel it. Other than that…. He’s actually being super nice and I can hear him in the background playing with the dogs and talking to the cats. I know that he loves animals but when I’m there he doesn’t pay attention to them unless he’s getting mad at them. What he does know is that I love my animals and I put them above most things. Unfortunately, it feels like he’s just acting to draw me back because he knows my animals are my weak spot. I’m just not ready to go back, I still give in and don’t stand up for myself when we are talking on the phone. He also still thinks it’s perfectly fine to mock and make fun of me if I even mention God. His favorite thing is making outrageously blasphemous jokes just to make me uncomfortable and then get mad at me when I “take it seriously”. So I’m just not ready to go back to that.

Pretty much every night, I talk to my brother and his wife about God, like we really nerd out about it and I love it. I’ve learned so much about it all, it’s no longer about just memorizing verses and following the “rules”. It’s about having a relationship with God and listening to Him, about finding out how awesome we can be when we give Him control and learn to just, live. It’s about having awesome conversations about science and the universe, about seeing a sea of lightening bugs in the field or watching the heat lightening at night and feeling His presence. There is way more to this than just going to church on Sunday and reading your bible and I don’t think a lot of people understand that. I mean I didn’t either until like a week ago, so I can’t really judge but I wish I could help people understand how I’ve felt and what I have experienced in the past week.

I no longer care that I don’t feel loved, understood or accepted by my husband because I know that I have God to do that and that’s way better. Now that doesn’t mean I’m just going to throw myself back into my relationship and go home. I’m still so new to these feelings that it would be too easy to settle back into my old habits and let myself be walked all over again. It just means that I’m starting to see the bigger picture here and trust me, it looks a whole lot better than this one little snapshot in my life. I still don’t know what I’m going to do and I still don’t know if this current situation is going to work out peacefully. Right now, I’m just trying my best to find myself and change the negative thinking patterns that my mind has gotten so used to and enjoy this amazing feeling of peace. 

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