Now What

Day 10- Today was my first day away from my husband and I was so nervous and I honestly thought about just going back, but I didn’t! Instead, I went to my brothers church for the first time. I had heard so many bad things about this church. They were like a cult, they were legalistic, they were judgmental, they thought only the people in their church would go to heaven. So I was a little hesitant to get sucked into that when I’m feeling so vulnerable. I don’t know if I’m just being too hopeful or just reaching out for whatever I can grab a hold of right now… but I didn’t see any of the previous accusations in that church. Sure, I was nervous like normal but everyone was incredibly friendly, not like the fake kind where they have a smile on their face but you can tell they are judging you.

This church wasn’t one of those big churches where everything was perfect and they had light shows and the awesome band. It was just a big group of people doing their best and doing what they loved, worshiping God. The sermon was what really got me though- it was like he was talking right at me about my situation. What really drew me in I think was that it wasn’t a typical sermon that I was used to. When he was explaining the message, he explained everything, the history behind it all, he transformed the metaphors from those early days into something we could understand, he really did his research on this. In a very shortened version, he was basically talking about putting on your armor and taking up the sword and shield and fighting the spiritual battle that we face every day. He explained that Christians are sitting around in their pajamas and ignoring this spiritual battle instead of putting on all of their armor and fighting it. We are letting the devil’s spirits into our homes and our lives because we are being spiritually lazy…

When I was thinking about it though, even if you have all of your armor and carrying around your sword and shield, there is still the possibility of being shot in the back- it’s only when you have enough Christians in your life, each supporting the other and creating this shield wall, that you can really keep yourself protected from the devil’s attacks. That’s where I’ve always struggled, I tried so hard to carry that shield alone but I could never protect all of me. The pastor kept saying that we need to stay in this shield wall and keep advancing forward, only then can we chop the head off these evil spirits and kill them. He also said that if you aren’t experiencing resistance in your life from these demons, than your’re probably going in the wrong direction. He said a lot more than this, but I can’t explain it very well. All I knew was that I needed that armor, the shield and the sword and I need others beside me, only then could I deal with the demon that’s holding on to my husband and to me. I think I have a spirit of fear that’s attached itself to me and won’t let go.

I know this sounds like a bunch of voodoo fanatic crap and I would have said the same thing just last year. I feel this though, this feels real. I work in the scientific world everyday, I’m used to the scientific method and proving hypothesis through rigorous research and not making assumptions until you have all of the data. Science will never prove or understand the spiritual realm though, this is something that you personally feel and it takes faith which is hard for me and I know is hard for a lot of people. The only data we have is the lives that have been changed and mine has, and I’ve seen my brothers life change. Both of our lives and mindsets have changed so drastically because of faith in God.

Back to the church thing though- The pastor, my brother and his wife all prayed for me afterwards and for the first time, I started feeling peace again. I’m still super uncomfortable with people praying with me and the church environment in general, I hated it for so long and the residual feelings are still there. I also thought that the pastor would judge me because I was separated and contemplating divorce but I didn’t feel that from him and he never treated me like some outcast. He believes that I am strong and that I can fight this, that it’s not the end I will make it through this and be so much stronger on the other side. They do believe that there is a spirit attached to my husband and that I need to grow strong enough to get close to that spirit and metaphorically chop it’s head off. Which I was later told that it doesn’t mean and I can go home and chop my husbands head off, unfortunately….

The problem is that this all sounds so hopeful, what if I could be strong enough to do this, what if I could dispose of that spirit and relieve some of the pain that my husband experiences. What if this could be one of those happy endings where my husband found God. All those holes in my husband that he uses me to fill, he could fill them all up with God. It sounds perfect and very very difficult. I understand everything that the pastor was saying but I do not know how to do it. How do you take a metaphorical sword and shield and chop off the head of a demon that you can’t see? There is no instruction book to this, I can’t just Google how to chop off a demon head, I would be put on one of those government lists. I also have to remind myself that I have only been a Christian for a very short time and 80% of that time I spent not even trying. I have also only been out of the influence of my husband for a day, it’s going to take some time, I need to give myself a bit of a break.

I don’t know if this makes sense or not but armor is heavy, shields and swords are heavy. No one can just put all that crap on and wear it everyday, they aren’t strong enough. You have to condition your body to be able to handle the weight of everything. I think the same goes for faith and God’s armor. I can’t expect to be able to put all of that on and go fighting off demons when I have only been to church like 5 times in 10 years. So I’m going to use this time as sort of a spiritual work out time, I need a mental six pack. Otherwise, I’m always going to be vulnerable to the devil’s attacks and I’ll never be able to stand up to my husband.

So that was kind of my revelations from church, sorry it was a bit of a long explanation, I will honestly nerd out about anything. I’m still struggling though. I’m a nervous wreck I feel like. I went to see me mom that afternoon and I couldn’t calm down, I’m so used to worrying about whatever my husband is upset about and worrying about getting home on time that I don’t know how to calm down. I ended up leaving pretty early because I thought I was going to just freak out if I didn’t go back. Luckily being at my brothers with his wife and kids on their farm gives me a strong sense of peace and I feel safe there. It’s what I’ve been needing for a long time.

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