In Limbo

So just a heads up- the main pictures on today’s post are actual pictures of my own pets. I kind of wanted everyone to see how freaking cute they all are and why I’m struggling so much, because the last thing I want to do is hurt them. Anyways, I haven’t really been writing all that much recently, mostly because I just don’t know what to write anymore. I’m just so tired of this being a problem in my life. I’m done trying to fix it, I’m done obsessing over what to do, and unfortunately, I’m done caring. The problem now is the only way I can get myself to stop thinking about it is to stay really busy. Staying really busy is also pretty difficult when being around people is still very uncomfortable right now. I’m afraid that some of my family and old friends are frustrated with me because I don’t leave my brothers house very often and when I do, I usually don’t stay out for very long. I think, unless you have experienced a similar situation, it can be really hard to understand why I’m not just going crazy and doing whatever I want.

For almost eight years, I was either doing everything with my husband or I was at least telling him exactly what I was doing if he wasn’t with me. I was constantly overthinking everything I did, everything I said, and watching the time. When he was with me, I was always making sure he was comfortable, that I was spending adequate amount of time with him, making sure he didn’t want to leave etc…. So when I leave my brothers house, I’m constantly dealing with those emotions and those feelings and I’m constantly reminded of the situation that I’m in. When I’m at my brothers house, I’m able to forget for a little while and actually focus on things that make me happy. I’m still trying to go out and be around family and friends at least 3 times a week though. The last thing I want is to become a massive hermit just because of this, although being around people 3 times a month was too much for my husband so I think I’m doing ok. This is a lot to deal with though and a lot of very confusing emotions running around my head.

He had his first therapy appointment on Saturday, he actually found a child trauma therapist. Apparently he scored a 7 on the ACE score thing which from the looks of it is quite high in terms of childhood abuse. According to my husband, the therapist is not surprised that we are in this situation, that he would be surprised if we had a healthy relationship. Oh yeah, I talked to my husband on the phone for the first time on Saturday morning since I tried to divorce him, so only like a week and a half has gone by. I had this dream Friday night that I hung out with my husband on Saturday instead of doing what I wanted and I remember being so upset with myself that I gave in again and feeling so hopeless. So then I wake up and he’s asking to call me! Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. What’s worse is that he actually did ask me out on a date for that day. He didn’t know what to do though, he thought I could just come over and we could hang out and eat. That is seriously the last thing that I want to do, if I spend one more hour sitting on our couch doing absolutely nothing, I will scream.

I really didn’t say a whole lot to him though, I just told him about some of the things I have done recently. I’ve replaced my worrying with this insane thing where I ferment every little thing that I can. It was sort of an odd thing to obsess about but it has seriously helped me keep my mind off of things and I’m finding the process to be incredibly healing for me, emotionally and physically. I’ve made kombucha, sourdough, 2 gallons of sauerkraut, fermented green beans, carrots, corn, salsa, and beets, and I just bought kefir grains for water kefir. On top of that, I have a friend who has a dairy cow and I’ve been helping her and getting a crap ton of fresh milk out of it. So I’ve made butter, farmers cheese and mozzarella (this one didn’t work out too well). Side note, I say that I made all of this but that’s not true really- All of this has been a huge group project thing with my brother and his wife which has made it so much more awesome.

Anyways, with all that going on, I was able to keep the conversation with my husband off the topic of emotions. He has such a way of twisting how I think that I try never to bring up how I feel, except now through email. When I was telling him all this though, it was like he was fake interested. Does that make sense? When someone is interested in something, they usually ask questions about how you did something or what you used or the time it took or anything, you know? He didn’t ask any questions like that though, he stayed pretty quiet and then at the end said that he finds that stuff so interesting and he’s so glad that I’m getting into this. It just felt like he was only saying that to make me happy or to make it seem like he was interested. I’m to the point though where I don’t know what is an ok thing to do or say anymore. Like I know it’s pretty typical for a man to act interested in something that his wife is doing when he’s not actually interested in it or vice versa. You just act interested and ask questions because you care. So maybe I’m just actually being overly sensitive right now and I should cut him a little slack because at least he is trying.

Do you see? This is what drives me insane! This constant second guessing of my own gut feelings and the whirlwind of questions and doubts in my mind. He might actually want this to work out, and might actually want to change and make me happy. I just don’t know if I can learn how to have a healthy relationship with him when it has gotten this bad. I don’t know if I can ever communicate healthily with him or ever truly believe that he’s changed.

Anyways, now that I have sort of let him back in for a second, he pretty much wants completely back in. He wants to start dating, resume talking on the phone everyday, texting all day, plus the emails. So basically, he wants my entire attention to be directed constantly at him. He texted me all day on Saturday, tried to call me Saturday night, sent me an email saying that he was waiting on an email all day but went to bed because he felt pathetic. Sunday he does the same thing and I’m still only texting back a little bit. Finally I send him an email that night and I told him that I wasn’t ready to jump back in like this. I finally stood up for myself and set a temporary boundary, although it was just over email. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk every day and I wasn’t ready to start dating, mostly because I think divorce is still our best option.

Well he took it seemingly well, although it’s not like I get to see his actual reaction. He still wants to talk a few times a week, and I haven’t emailed him back yet. What is really getting to me is the living in limbo crap and not moving forward or at all really. Actually I guess what I really getting to me is that I haven’t seen my dogs in two weeks and haven’t seen them much in two months now.  These two things combined are enough to make me feel crazy and extremely emotional. I’m about to pack up all my dogs and move into the mountains and never talk to anyone ever again. I know that’s slightly irrational but that’s what I feel like doing right now, just ripping up all the roots I have put down and going somewhere else. I actually would have probably done that if I didn’t have 4 dogs. If I only had maybe one, I think I would have been gone by now. Anyways, I still can’t divorce for another month or so anyways so I guess I will stick around for now, that is while I still have a little bit left of my sanity.