I’m Tired of This

I probably shouldn’t be writing this today because I feel like crap and NO it’s not COVID. I’m just really worn out and I don’t really know what to write anymore. I am, however, doing this to myself partly. I started the whole30 diet with my brother and sister in law 3 days ago and good lord it’s challenging. Apparently after 30 days of no sugar of any kind, grains, legumes or processed foods I’ll be feeling a lot better. No more bad allergies, lack of energy, brain fog and such. Those are the things I am looking forward to at least. A lot of people use it for weight loss with a huge amount of success but with my IBS, I’ve never had a weight issue luckily. I’m just hoping it doesn’t aggravate my gut issues even more. I think it will actually help though because I’ve been having a lot of issues with it due to stress.

I’m not sure if any of you have ever tried taking sugar out of your diet completely like this but it seriously affects you. I was doing fine until day three and then I just crashed hard. I also feel like I have super smell because I can smell chocolate from 10 feet away. Oh I forgot to mention that I work for a company that puts a huge amount of free candy by the coffee machines. Needless to say, I’m staying in my lab so I don’t even deal with the temptations. Who knew only three days without sugar could affect you so badly.

This feeling of being in limbo is getting worse day by day. Just sitting down and relaxing is a no go for me because I start thinking about things. I mean I just bought almost 30 pounds of cabbage last night so I can make 5 gallons of sauerkraut this weekend. I’m meal prepping for this diet, I’m now obsessing about finding out where the chickens are laying their eggs (there are 20 chickens people, and I can only find 4-5 eggs, I know they are laying them somewhere….). I’m also helping someone with their dairy cow and begging people at work to let me help so I don’t have to sit at my computer all day. So needless to say, I’m either going to be a beast at the end of this with endless energy or I’m going to wear myself out.

I just feel crazy, I feel like any other person would have demanded a divorce at this point. What is it about me that that makes this so difficult? I’ll wake up in the morning and think, this is the day, I’m just going to go to the courthouse and ask them for an exact date that I can get a divorce and what I need to do. Then I’ll come home and read the email he sent me and completely change my mind. It’s like this every day, this constant roller coaster of emotions. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have my dogs and that alone is killing me.

I can’t complain that much though. I have an incredibly supportive group of people around me and I can’t even imagine what I would do if I didn’t have that. Even people that I don’t know very well are incredibly supportive and many people have offered to watch my dogs while I figure out the next steps. I do know that I have a massive safety net if I do demand a divorce. I also know that if I ask people for help, I would have a ton of people ready and willing to get all of my animals and stuff out of my house. It’s crazy really because I have spent the past six years at least being a terrible friend. Doing anything was so hard and was so emotionally draining with my husband that I very rarely helped any of my friends or family. I didn’t even go to a coworkers wedding because my husband didn’t want to even though we are good friends.

I’ve basically put my husband above everyone else in my life for a long time so I really have no idea why people are even willing to let me back into their lives and help me. This has really shown me that there are a lot of really great people in this world and that I am way more blessed then I think I am. I went from feeling completely and utterly alone with my husband to having more support and companionship then I ever thought possible and It’s just the beginning. I get to come home, play and talk with my nieces and nephew who are like the greatest kids in the world. I get to spend time with my sister in law who I know will always give me advice and support when I need it. My brother is always around to pray with me and offer his support. I know that I can talk to any one of my sisters and my aunt, I can go hang out with my Mom and I have friends and coworkers that are always supportive.

I honestly just can’t believe that I was picking emotional pain over this, although it’s not like I did it purposefully. I also can’t believe that I am still contemplating going back to him. God has shown me that I don’t need to be alone anymore, that I don’t need to be emotionally abused, that I don’t have to go back to someone who has hurt me over and over again. He’s shown me that I can have a beautiful life outside of this and that I can be truly free. That’s what God offers right? He’s the one who gives true and complete freedom to anyone who asks for it.

This kind of just came to mind and maybe it’s not really applicable or maybe it is. I keep hearing about about the story of Moses when he first tells the Pharaoh to free the people, I’ve heard this story like 5 times in the past 2 weeks. Moses throws down his staff and it turns into a snake. When the Pharaoh’s wizards or whatever they were saw this, they threw down their staffs and those two staffs turned into snakes also. Moses’s snake beat the other two snakes but he was at first afraid because the devil imitated God and he made it seem like God didn’t have as much power as him, which obviously wasn’t the case.

What I’m getting at is often we focus on the two snakes from the devil while ignoring the power of God’s snake or not even realizing which snake is God’s. In the beginning of this journey towards freedom, I was absolutely terrified of divorcing my husband because I thought God hated divorce. I was so stuck on this that I couldn’t focus on what God was trying to do. It was something that consumed me completely and still kind of is because I’m used to thinking that way. This entire time God has been showing me what freedom is but instead of focusing on Him, I’m focusing on the devil’s two snakes.

I’ve often heard that the devil will use scripture against you and will imitate Godly things in order to put us back into bondage but I didn’t really think that much into it. Every time I would open up the Bible, I would open to a page that condemned divorce and that part would stick out like a sore thumb. I started to get angry at God for this, demanding to understand why He would want me to go back into this relationship. This drove a wedge between my relationship with Him because I was focusing on the two snakes telling me that I was a sinner for thinking of a divorce. When really God is holding out his hand and offering freedom from pain, fear and bondage. God isn’t about putting us in impossible situations where we have to sacrifice who we are in Him. He’s about freeing us from impossible situations and showing us who we are and can be in Him. Well that was a thought processes that I wasn’t expecting but now I’m sitting here crying because it makes so much more sense. God is about love, peace, joy, and all of those things. Not misery and entrapment, I just need to remember that and get out of this cycle of negativity.  

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