Bad Days

Look at me, already writing on here. Mainly I’m writing because I’m having a bit of a bad day again. I usually have ok days where I can focus on other things and stuff but I’ve been at my moms for a week now due to work schedules. It’s nice because I have a little more alone time and there is a dryer and a real bed but I haven’t had to be alone yet until now. Well I’ve been alone but I’ve had the energy to cook and ferment all of my stuff still.

I had two really bad nightmares last night and it’s that time of the month so I have no energy to do anything today.  So now I just get to sit here and think…… Well I’m making butter but while it’s mixing, I’ve had time to think…… and I don’t like it, and now I don’t know what to write. It’s hard to write about emotions- they’re sloppy and hard to put into words. I just feel bad- I’m so tired of living like this with no knowledge of what the future looks like. I keep having these revelations that it’s ok to leave my husband and that it wouldn’t be wrong. I write them down and when I do it, it’s like yeah, ok, I can do this! But than I don’t…. Well I don’t have enough money saved up, I don’t have a place with a yard for the dogs, what if he’s actually changing, what would he do if I do try to leave, what if he becomes violent?

The worst part about it is that if I leave, I will never know if he could have changed or not. However, if I stay and he doesn’t change, then I have to drag myself through this emotional garbage again. He’s acted like he was going to leave me so many times, why won’t he just do it now? Not that I’ve done things to try and make him leave me but all of the things that I am doing in regards to church and God would have previously caused him to try and “leave me”.

Was it really all just manipulation before when he would act like he was going to leave? and if so, was he aware that he was manipulating? and if he is aware, how is that possible? I feel really really bad when I unintentionally do something to hurt someone, I cannot even fathom being controlling and manipulative on purpose. Intentionally hurting someone, making them feel crazy, isolating them from people they love- how is that humanly possible? My mom can be kind of manipulative on purpose, usually when she drinks a little, but she owns up to it and it’s obvious! The other day she was guilt tripping me and I called her out on it and we laughed about it. I try and call it out in my husband and he completely refuses any ideas of that.

How could I think that he’s such a monster like that? Well sometimes I think he is, and that is what scares me. The other day he told me that he can change personalities easily, that he can shut himself down and do terrible terrible things. He can also open himself up and be his real and nice self. What am I supposed to do with that? Now I’m not only afraid he would do something violent, but I’m afraid that I’ll never see his true self. How can I live knowing he has the capability to change into whatever he wants to change into? Also, why in the world would he tell me that? He said he told me that so I would know the truth and that’s partly what he is working on in therapy.

I did talk to his therapist the other day. I didn’t get too much information though, but he did say that my husband was manipulative but he is willing to work on everything. When my husband was in there with us, he told my husband that it was wrong to talk bad about my Christianity and try to sway me. He said that if he didn’t want me trying to preach to him then he shouldn’t preach to me. He also said that it wasn’t healthy to talk about my family the way that he does. Which my husband still refused to agree to that one.

He just does these things that drive me insane. We were in a restaurant and this girl kept eyeing him and he said well at least I still got it in the event that you leave me. I got kind of frustrated with him and he kept saying that it was just a joke, to which I said wasn’t funny. God, he used to do that all the time. Then he said that he’s not going to wait around forever, that there is a time limit on this. That he knows how I am and that I’ll never make a decision. I’m sorry though, did I not make a decision? And last time I checked, he wouldn’t let me make the one freaking decision that I tried to make.

Then in the same day he told me that he doesn’t think I’m working on things, that I need to read all of these books, that I need to go to therapy, that I need to spend time on thinking about this. Then he told me that I was overthinking everything and I’m just making myself paranoid. So which one is it babe? Am I overthinking or under thinking? He said he didn’t have time to talk about it and I was too tired and needed to go home. Why does he feel the need to tell me that I’m indecisive? Also, why does he feel the need to tell me that there is a time limit on this? Does he think I like living this way? I’ve already wasted so much time on this and this is just more time that I’m giving to this relationship, just waiting around.

He keeps telling me that I need to figure it out soon, but last I checked, I was supposed to wait for him to figure stuff out with his therapy. Apparently, the time has now come where he needs me so he can show me how he has changed. Apparently it would be nice for him to have some help from me. I’m pretty sure it’s only been like a month since he’s been going to therapy, so that’s a little quick. All of these things out of context seem so horrible though. These are just pieces, in between these things, he talks very nicely. He’s not getting mad or upset and he’s just been nice.

There are these little things though that I keep picking up on that just don’t seem right. I don’t feel change, I feel like he’s just disguising himself. Sometimes though, I think that I am just making this all up. That I am overthinking everything, that I just want out so I’m fabricating this stuff out of thin air. I mean, he will not own up to manipulating me. When I told him about his suicide attempt and moving away right afterwards away from everyone and how that felt like he was hooking me in, he got offended. How could I possibly think that he would do that? He said, “no offense, but I wasn’t that into you and I could have gotten other girls at that point. You are the one that followed me expectantly”.

Now I am starting to think that I am making this up. Maybe he doesn’t fit into a mold like that. The problem is that when you look up emotional abuse and narcissism, you can pretty much check all the boxes. He pretty much went by the book on this one. So really it comes down to who do I trust- do I trust my husband, do I trust my gut feelings that are little screwed up, or do I figure out how to really trust God? I want to choose the last one so bad but it’s not that easy.

Everyone says just trust God. How though? Do I wait on Him to say something to me? Do I trust that God is giving me the gut feelings? When do I take action and when do I sit back and let God work? I used to think having God was a crutch for people to make life easier. Life is not easy when you trust in a God that made time. He’s not apart of time, he created it. So my timing and His are apparently very very different, as in He’s not basing this off of time. I’m just worried that I missed something, did I ignore God’s words? Was I just not listening? I have no idea….. Maybe God is just refining me, changing my thinking patterns, making me truly trust Him, teaching me how to trust Him. I just hope that I’m doing the right thing and waiting for now, focusing on God and using His timing. Guess we’ll find out eventually.

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