Change

I sort of just want to spend some time talking about my walk with God this past year. I feel like I spend a lot of time on here complaining about my situation and I don’t really spend a whole lot of time talking about how He’s blessed me. I think I just had this cookie cutter view of Christianity, I just needed to believe in God and everything would be all perfect and easy. From a broad point of view, I suppose you could say that. God will change everything and will eventually bless you but you still have to change, and I have a lot to change, but I also asked for it. I asked him to challenge me and make me a stronger person.

What I’m learning is that when you ask God for something, you better be prepared to receive it because He doesn’t take our prayers lightly. I was a very strong atheist for almost a decade, I hated religion and I laughed at people who put their faith in God. I got into a relationship where I gave up all control and let him control everything I did. I’m not blaming all of that on myself but I knew I shouldn’t have married him, I had known for a long time to leave. Instead, I let it happen, and I let my husband be the center of attention and he became my god.

I started rotting from the inside out and that lead to massive depression, anxiety, bitterness, hatred, envy, pride and judgmental thoughts. I was in this downward spiral in life and I did not know how to get out of it. Even when I became a Christian, I still couldn’t get out of that spiral. I felt better about everything and I started having more hope for a time but I was still stuck. Then when I felt like that wasn’t helping and wasn’t changing my situation, when I thought I had done everything, I started having suicidal thoughts. I was so mad at God, I just wanted help and I didn’t feel like He was giving me any, I felt alone.

I think a lot of us have this misconception about God that if we just pray and have faith, God will change everything for us and we can just sit back and relax. Prayer and faith are definitely important but if they aren’t coupled with action, than what good are they? God didn’t create us to be passive people, He called us to be warriors, He called us to stand up and take action.

Separating from my husband was something I never thought I would do, I just never thought I would be strong enough. I wasn’t strong enough when I left either, I had nothing left, I was completely dead inside and that was my rock bottom. Sometimes, God lets you die, so that when you rise back up, you know that it’s a miracle. If He would have saved me when I was just sick, I could have said I saved myself. I wasn’t just sick of it when I left though, I was completely dead and believe me when I say that I had no fight left in me.

I still didn’t understand what He was doing though. I was praying so hard for Him to change my husband, just change him a little bit, soften his heart. Maybe He did do that a little bit, because my husband went from refusing to change anything to attending personal therapy, reading self-help books, and owning up to his behavior. What I didn’t realize though was that God didn’t give me the strength to leave just to change my husband, He got me to leave so He could change me.

You see, I marched myself down to hell and God came down and walked me back up. He helped me throw away a lot of my baggage during that trip and I still have a lot left to get rid of but I finally got the change that I needed. I lost everything, I lost my dogs, my husband, the comfort of my home, my alone time and my pride. I had to admit to people that my marriage was failing, I had to admit that I lost control over my life and I had to show people that I was broken. I mean, I accidentally cried in a mentor meeting with my site manager, I was mortified that I did that. That took a huge chunk out of my pride.

What I’m saying is that change hurts, you have to destroy the demons inside of you and they don’t go easily. My entire frame of thinking had to be demolished, piece by piece. I was thinking that I just needed God to make me stronger but what I needed was a new self and that’s what I got. I still have baggage and I’m still bruised but I have my fight back and I can still crush the head of the snake with a bruised heel.

So moral of the story, be prepared when you ask God for change, and also be aware that God’s change and your idea of change are usually very different.

Speaking of bruised though, juggling pins are dangerous. It’s a whole different level of entertainment. I definitely do not recommend doing it around small animals though. I’ve been back with my husband for a day now, it’s going alright just a little weird but I’m happy to have my animals back. I just need to stay focused on my goals and learn to stand up for myself. We’ll see how it goes.