Testing The Waters

I don’t know if I can do this, it took exactly one week for him to get angry. He’s playing on my emotions again. He’s frustrated with my dogs, he’s tired, he has a headache. And apparently the worst thing is that his wife is cold and seemingly stuck up now. I guess every time he touches me it’s like I’m stand offish and annoyed. He feels very hurt by it and he says that he understands why I am that way but it hurts his feelings.

I do understand his feelings towards this. I did shut him out emotionally and we don’t have a connection anymore. I’m also not comfortable with him touching me in that manner either. My problems aren’t with how he’s feeling, it’s how he deals with them. He’s already told me that he won’t be in a cold and unloving marriage. When I told him that I was still uncomfortable with the more intimate side of things, he said don’t worry, I won’t touch you at all anymore. Then every time we accidentally touch, he says sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you… in a sarcastic manner.

When I asked him to explain how he felt a little more, he refused to and said it wasn’t important. He went and sat down on the couch and put his headphones in but didn’t completely ignore me, just sulked. I sat down and started reading one of the many marriage books that he bought on amazon.

When I first saw him buying all these books it made me happy, he was finally reading something to help. I also had this moment of doubt because we share an account and he knew I would see what he was buying. Well back to present day, I asked him which ones he had read so I could also read it…. Surprise surprise, he hasn’t read them yet. So yeah, this started to bug me and I tried to get him to talk a little bit about everything.

We talked for a while but he never looked from his computer screen and finally he said we’ve talked about this a hundred times, why are we still talking about it? I asked him that next time I try to have a conversation with him, that he try to be engaged a little more and not stare out his screen. Well apparently he didn’t know that this was an important conversation- so next time I need to start out the conversation with: This is important, please pay attention.

Maybe it’s just me, but whenever anyone is talking to me, even at work (unless I am swamped), or when I’m annoyed, I always try to look at them when they are talking, even if they’re just telling me a joke. I got flustered last night so I didn’t really say anything else but I need to bring that up with him today, I do think that it’s disrespectful to stare at a video online when someone is talking to you, period. It doesn’t matter if it’s an important conversation or not.

Moving on- He also made jokes during the conversation using words and phrases he knows bothers me. He said I was too emotional, I was acting like my mother, are you cheating on me, etc. Then he would laugh about it like it was actually funny. Then I feel like the snob who doesn’t like jokes when I don’t laugh and I have to tell him they aren’t funny and I don’t like him joking like that. His thing is that he likes to trap me in a corner, make me feel like I am the bad guy and I still feed into it but the good news is that I now recognize it a lot sooner than before.

I new this was going to be hard, and I knew deep down, he hadn’t changed, but I had hoped that he would. There is also a good chance that this is him testing the waters. See if I’ll put up with the same crap that used to do. I gave him more slack than I should have but I also stood up for myself way better than I used to. I am hoping though that he’ll realize that I am not the same person and that he’ll actually have to make changes now.

Although, I am also unhappy to admit that when I have these talks with him, I still have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and I still feel guilt. I do trust God to make me strong enough and I trust Him to make me a warrior. Just this past week, I have grown much closer to God. I literally do have to trust Him all the time. I have to grow in Christ, I have to pray all day long and I have to have faith that God will either make me strong enough to deal with this or make me strong enough to leave this time. I have to do this because I know without Him, I will fail and I will fall back into the same old patterns. So in this regard, it’s a good thing.

I just wish that I felt my husband trying a little bit. He’s giving me time alone but when we are together, nothing comes from it. I don’t know how to build a connection with him. He keeps saying it just takes time, but I also know time isn’t always your friend. What I need from him is action but he says he doesn’t know what to do and that I need to tell him what I want. He also said he doesn’t know what I like anymore because I lied about everything in the past….. so that’s super helpful.

I lied about things to keep him happy or to protect myself. I think it’s still pretty obvious to know what I like…. I’m one of the most passionate people in the world when it comes to what I like. I love juggling, I love cooking, I love all food, I love being outside, I love animals, I love music, I love God and I love my family. Anyone who has spent any amount of time around me knows these things. How hard is it to pick one of these things to try and bond with me over? I’m not asking him to bend over backwards for me, I’m asking him to try and connect with me, just a little bit with something other than constant physical touch.

However, in my husbands defense, he didn’t stay angry and bitter for very long, maybe an hour or two but he seemed fine when we went to bed. This is a big change so who knows, maybe I’m wrong about the whole thing.

Also, just to keep you updated on the juggling pins, I can now juggle them! So, I got one goal accomplished…. woot.

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