Still Here

Alright, so I’m back. I’ve actually written quite a few entries but I never posted them- I’m not entirely sure why. They were all about my struggles with losing my dachshund and to be honest, I still can’t talk about it without crying and I just didn’t feel like doing this anymore. I’m getting over it though.

Just an update and a continuation of the crazy from the last couple posts:
A week after my last post in December, the two dogs that are aggressive towards each other snapped again. Unfortunately, I was bit that time and she completely snapped my wedding ring in half (which actually saved my finger). I was able to get them apart that time pretty quick but it was the first time I thought the larger one was going to go through me to get to the other dog. They turned out fine though, a few puncture holes again and a few restless nights. I ended up taking the younger one to dog training in hopes that would help somehow, it kind of did.

I did not handle it well though, talk about a mental breakdown. My husband found me covered in blood and hyperventilating on the stairs. My hand was very bruised and cut up but luckily my dog is 17 and has like 3 and a half teeth in her head. Something in me snapped that day though, I’m not sure what it was but I haven’t felt the same since.

I think that month stretch of losing everything was the most difficult time of my life. I would like to say I turned to God with every struggle but I didn’t. Saying that you will praise and trust God in the storm when your not in the storm is so easy- actually doing that is pretty difficult. I’m sad to say that I turned back to drinking again and dealing with everything pretty poorly.

But here I am, sober again, and almost 4 months free of vaping (still so embarrassing). Drinking is a challenge for me because I’m not this crazy alcoholic. I can have a drink and be done and it never effects my work life or anything. I just get bored at home and drink and that makes me either passive or angry. Neither one mixes well with a difficult marriage. So I finally said I’m just done drinking all together and part of me isn’t happy with that decision. That part of me still wins sometimes and it drives me crazy. Anyways, that’s a story for another post.

We just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. So far, we’ve beat all odds. It has honestly been extremely difficult, surprise surprise, right? Reflecting on the past couple months, I think a lot has changed. We fight all the time now, he’s a little more self aware, and he’s a little better with me leaving the house.

He’s still the same person though, he quit going to therapy almost immediately, he’s back to losing his temper all the time, and he still is very manipulative.

Our anniversary was very good though, we did have a great time. Our family and friends watched all the animals so we could stay somewhere and go fishing all day. It was the first time we actually went somewhere and stayed overnight just for fun. The first time in our almost ten years of being together that we actually went on a small vacation together. Hopefully we get to do that more but it is pretty hard to find someone who will watch a cat in a diaper.

I feel like so much has happened since I last wrote in this but I don’t want this to be a super long post. Anyways, I’m still alive and kicking. I need to do a makeover of the site though. This has turned more into my life experiences and not so much just about my difficult marriage.

Oh! Since I’m sure everyone just LOVES to hear about my juggling life, I now can juggle 4 balls and I’m getting good with the kendama. Life goals!

2 thoughts on “Still Here”

  1. Sympathies with the pull of the drink. I can identify with that; I am by no means alcoholic, but when life is hard (usually with husband!) I want to turn to the bottle to fee a bit numb. It’s a self-soothing thing, I suppose. But I can also decide to put it down and walk away, which, to be honest, the bathroom scales prefer!
    But I’m also sorry to hear you’re living with someone who loses their temper. That’s a hard cloud to live under and I hope you have happy places to go to.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s