More Loss

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I just know that my recent attempts to stay positive have failed miserably. I was trying so hard to stay positive during this challenging time in my life while also staying focused on learning programming.  It’s been quite difficult because my husband thinks that I have my priorities backwards. He wants me to focus on him first and then family and my career. We had a pretty large argument about it and it’s something we are definitely going to have to work on.

I can deal with that though, I can deal with my husband being extremely difficult and I can deal with losing my job. I was struggling with it all, and was feeling very stretched emotionally but I could handle it. I could not handle this past week though and my positive outlook was just curb stomped.

I spent this past week calling vets, shelters, police and animal control as my mom lost her new dachshund this week. I brought her one from my work just like how I got my own dachshund. I had lost mine also the day after we brought her home, she just bolted. We spent a miserable 3 days looking for her in sub zero temperatures in the middle of the woods. We didn’t eat, sleep or go to work. We spent the entire time responding to ‘sightings’ of her and hiking, passing out flyers, etc. I would not have found her if it wasn’t for my coworkers who came out and helped.

It was a horrible time and we have kept her very close to us ever since. So a year later, I find myself in the same situation with my mom’s dog and it was very taxing. I know not all people love and care for animals the way I do. Animals are my world, they’re my focus in life and I can’t handle knowing that they are suffering.  Luckily, my mom’s dog was found 3 days later also and was perfectly healthy.

My dachshund, however was very sick during this entire time. They told me that she had pancreatitis and she was reacting very poorly but she would make it. I was told this entire week that she would survive this if I kept bringing her in all day for supportive care. She wasn’t getting better though, by Wednesday, she was much worse and hadn’t eaten in two days. She wouldn’t move, she wouldn’t drink, she would just lay there and cry.

I begged the vet to tell me how to make this better, they just kept saying I was doing all I could. Finally on Wednesday, they encouraged me to take her to a 24hr clinic so she could get round the clock fluids and pain meds. When I got her to the new clinic, my outlook was still very positive, I just thought she needed more aggressive support care.

Since I wasn’t allowed in the building due to COVID, the vet called me almost immediately to tell me that my dog was not doing well and needed to run emergency tests. Ten minutes later I find out she had gone septic and her entire abdomen was swimming in infection. My only options were to let them perform emergency surgery that only had a 50% chance of working or euthanasia.  I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut, fifteen minutes ago I thought she was just sick and now there is a very high chance she won’t survive the next hour. I never saw her again, she didn’t survive the surgery.

I begged God not to take this dog, and I have struggled these past few days with anger towards Him. I love my other dogs so much but this is the dog that kept me sane. This dog was a huge factor in me moving home sooner than I had originally intended. I could be mad at the world, at my husband, at my job and this dog would always make me feel better. She was the kind of dog that could rip apart your entire house and you just couldn’t get mad at her.

Maybe this means that I have lived a cushy life or that I care too much about animals but this was the most devastating situation that I have ever dealt with. I have lost people and animals in my life but never like this, not at a time like this or so abruptly. I’ve never been so devastated that I couldn’t sleep or eat or even function for that matter. I spent 3 days not moving from my couch. I don’t know how people functioned during times like these before Netflix and Doordash.

My husband has been very supportive though and was really my rock during this entire time. I can’t image going through this alone and I’m very glad that he was around. I’m sad for him because he goes into ultra man mode- he must protect his wife and never show emotion. He loves animals just as much as I do and I actually got him this dog because he has always wanted a dachshund so I know this is hard for him.

I know the last couple posts haven’t really focused on my relationship but with so much other crap going on, it’s been hard to focus just on that. This has been a hard year, and the past couple weeks have been devastating and very hard to deal with. I’m not one to fake how I feel so right now I am not ok but the only way is forward and I can either get stuck in this cycle of feeling bad for myself and being angry at God- or I can grieve the loss of my dog and realize that being mad at the God of the universe is ridiculous and carry on with my life.

Our little dog is going to be very sorely missed and I just hope that she is happy and pain free now.

This was kind of a sad post but I do hope you all have a Merry Christmas this week and a happy new year.

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