Positive Thoughts

Well it has been quite a while since I’ve written in this blog. With the recent news of losing my job, I have increased my efforts to expand my career options. I’m unfortunately in a pretty rural area and finding a lab tech position will be challenging unless I want to drive an hour one way. I already drive 45 minutes one way and I don’t really want to add more driving.

I signed the paperwork the other day and I actually have 10 months to find something else. However, I set goals that are going to take every single second of that time.

Computers have always been something that I’ve been interested in. When I was young, I was the queen of setting up proxy servers to get around the firewalls at school. In college, I learned how to set up a router that would steal internet from my neighbors and I even figured out how to crack their passwords. I used to purchase old computers and dual boot linux and windows and then inevitably crash them when I screwed up the partitioning. I learned the basics of Java, HTML, and CSS and learned how to build websites and then started working with Python because I thought it would be a good addition to my biotech degree.

However,  life after college didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I still loved messing around with computers but I quit trying. I stopped pushing myself to learn new things and build my skill sets. Then when I came to realize how bad my marriage was, I fell into a really deep depression and I just couldn’t stick with anything that I was trying to learn.  I always felt like I couldn’t actually learn programming. That my dream of moving into the developer world would never happen because I was failing at my marriage, why would I be able to do this. I also struggled so bad at telling my husband no. Whenever I would sit down and try to learn anything or even just read a book, he would interrupt me every couple minutes. He just couldn’t stand the fact that I wasn’t paying attention to him.

So… six years later, in the middle of a very difficult marriage, a couple weeks after being separated, and being told I was being let go at work, I am now actually learning programming. I’ve been spending every possible second I have learning it and I think I’ve mentally moved past the hardest part in the programming journey. What I mean is that I thought that I could learn the language and then just start writing programs. WRONG. Learning to program is incredibly hard and it takes a ton of time to learn how to actually write a functioning program. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be and I actually got really depressed about it a few days ago. However, I have decided that this is what I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I will put in the effort to learn it, even if it’s harder than I thought.

So that’s my goal, I want to be a programmer/developer. In an ideal world, I would like to be a freelance developer but I’m not sure I can achieve that in 10 months. I’m hoping that with my background in research and biotech, along with a sound knowledge of programming, I will be able to get a remote job instead of being confined to the lab. So long story short…. that’s why I haven’t had time to write in this blog.

Time management has been something that I’m really trying to focus on. I’m still going back twice a week to see family and friends and then also doing therapy once a week. Then add in 9 animals, trying to cook healthy every night, drive 1.5 hours everyday, keep the house fairly clean, work on my marriage and grow in my relationship to God…… it’s proving to be very challenging and very exhausting.

My therapist was pretty upset though, she said I’m not supposed to be doing all of that. I married a perfectly capable person that can also clean and cook. That I supported him when he was working third shift and long hours and it’s his turn to start helping me. This is what is sad…. in the couple weeks that I have been back, the one responsibility that he has taken on is feeding the dogs, and just at night. That’s it! I feed them in the morning and remind him every.single.night to feed the dogs….. However, he said that once his yearly audit at work is over, he will start stepping up and helping. So that is this week, we will see if he actually starts helping or not.

All in all though, he has been pretty receptive. I try to constantly bring up things that are bothering me and I always leave twice a week to hang out with other people. Right now, I cannot afford to let him get controlling and complacent again, although he does test the limits every single day.

This has been a very challenging year so far and I’ll be damned if I let anything go back to the way it was. My main concern right now is that I have been so focused on everything else that I’m letting my relationship with God slip again. I cannot let that happen. I don’t know what it is about being around my husband, but doubt has flooded my mind again. Every single time I pray, that little thought poisons my mind and says that I’m praying to nothing, that this is all fake and I’m believing in God just to believe in something.

I hate it so much. I felt so close to God at my brothers but now I’m starting to feel distant again. I don’t understand why God doesn’t show more signs that He is there. I hate these thoughts that I have because I know that He has done so much for me and changed me in ways that I could never change myself. Why now then, am I struggling with doubt so badly? I just don’t understand it. I don’t know how to make it better either. One way I have been trying though is to pray and talk out loud. Every night I speak positive words over my life and home. I tell myself that my marriage will not fail, that I will become a very strong person, that my faith will grow and I won’t have any more doubt. That I will be successful in my career, and that I am a child of God and He loves me. I tell God every night that I am giving the next day to Him and that my future is in His hands.

It does seem to help actually, the tongue has more power than we think. People who are extremely negative, tend to to have negative experiences in life. However, positive people tend to have good things happen to them. My husband is a perfect example- he will actually tell himself every day that he is going to fail, that this is an awful day, that he hates everyone and they hate him, that he has bad luck so he won’t catch anything while fishing or shoot anything while hunting, etc. He is the most negative person I have ever met, and his life is proof that nothing good comes from a negative outlook. So from now on, I will try to be that annoying positive person. When life goes to hell, I will smile and look at the bright side. When my husband is a jerk and being controlling, I won’t let it get me down and I won’t let him consume my life anymore with his negativity and emotional destruction. Not only does having a positive outlook help you, it’s also ridiculously entertaining. I absolutely love the look on my husband’s face when I tell him to speak life or be positive. The more outwardly positive I am, the more I annoy the crap out of negative people. That alone, makes being positive worth it.

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